just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
