im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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