"it" just moved
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
