Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
