Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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