I got chris browned last night
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
