my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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