Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
