Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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