His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
