I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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