Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
