Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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