Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
