And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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