I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
