Yo dont text me then not text me
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
