Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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