dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
