he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
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Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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