My friends, they love my intelligence
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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