Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
