She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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