He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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