i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
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I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
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Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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