I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
PANTIES FOUND
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