pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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