She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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