I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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