Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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