just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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