I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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