One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
