Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
