hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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