i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
