Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
