this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Damn victory sex feels great
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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