broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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