either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize
