Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I think I have vodka in my lungs
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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