well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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