Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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