i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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