Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Randomize
