stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
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Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
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Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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