If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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