How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize