This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
