I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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