she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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