I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
