Plan B is the new Plan A
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
