i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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